Anguish of a martyr’s widow

‘Time is the best healer’, they consoled.
Reality cannot be harsher.
As the days crawl by,
My wounds only get deeper.
Grief gnawing at my ruptured heart,
Haunt me with the horror of that dire day.
Absolute emptiness, I feel inside,
My soul refuses to come to terms.
Our beautifully painted future,
Has faded away to black
All I have left of you,
Is our precious little boy
Often he innocently ponders
‘Where has daddy gone?’
What remains of my heart melts with woe,
His is another crushed life, as mine.
Lost the meaning of my existence,
My will to live has died.
I feel no pain anymore,
Only an agonizing numbness instead
Exhausted all my tears,
I have not anymore left to cry

My body aches to its core,
As it yearns for your soothing embrace
Pricks from shattered bit of my life,
Eclipses the pride I feel of your gallantry.
I know not if I ever will find solace,
As I trod on alone, into uncertainty.

Moonlight smiles through the darkness

It is sometime on the darkest night that the moon seems its beautiful best. While the endless darkness of the night sets the perfect stage for the magical dance of the moonlight, the pearly magnificence of the moon simply amplifies. I wonder how this natural aura of the moon, up there on most nights for us to behold, goes unnoticed many a times. But on those completely dark moments, its presence is comforting and we marvel at its beauty. 

Not too long ago, I was going through a thorny phase in terms of job hunt and finding back my self-confidence, which I was beginning to feel, was slipping away into the uncertainty of the situation. Just prior to my wedding a year back, I had relieved myself from my past career of half a decade, to completely embrace with both hands, a lovely new episode in my life. And cherish I did (...and still am...), every second of it! It was a choice I had made with absolutely no regret. 

A few months into my blissful wedded life, my mind was all set to make a comeback on the professional front. It was my choice again that I did not want to get back to what I was doing previously but wanted an occupation that would not only be more creative but will also give me more personal time. By this decision, I wasn’t making things easy for me, and little was I prepared for the long laborious journey ahead! 

Like a new kid on the block, I ventured into the big corporate world to try my luck. The number of doors I knocked at, I lost count of. Some chose to conveniently ignore me, a few outright rejected my profile for mismatch, while the others loved to keep me in suspense by merely sounding positive, but not really meaning though. 

Several disheartening attempts later, one offer sounded promising. I had shone through the initial rounds and was nail-bitingly waiting for the final call. And then it happened. I was told though my performance was outstanding they suddenly decided to go slow on recruiting. In short, I didn’t get the job. As simple as it sounded, it was like deflating my ballooned up hopes! 

That night when my husband, who travelled along with me through this rickety ride, returned home from work, I divulged my rejection story. Knowing how much it means to me he sympathized all he could. Like a little dismayed abandoned child, I gushed out in frustration… ‘Nobody wants me!’ To which my dear husband dint miss a second to reassure me, ‘Aww! I want you!’ Amidst my distress, touched by his earnest attempt to comfort me, I couldn’t hold back my heartfelt smile as I hugged him. Nothing else in the world mattered to me!

The gloomy darkness that I was feeling earlier that night faded away, as the warmth of the moonlight flooded in, kissing it good bye.

365 days of ‘We’!

Very often I catch myself pondering over and musing about my beautiful life, smiling fondly about the treasured memories I would love to relive and grimacing upon the not-so-pleasant events which I wish I could mend. And, today as I sit myself down and let lose my heart and mind to rewind to do what they best love doing, a major milestone (…which I prefer terming as ‘smilestone’ :) …) in my life pops up and comes to the fore. Day-365 of our adven-joyous journey together as man and wife, is just round the corner! Oh my, even as I type this, my heart blossoms with joy and am overwhelmed with loads of memories flooding in and warmth oozing from deep inside! Yes, it truly is an ecstatic feeling of celebrating a year of togetherness with my very own special someone!

Over this one year, I have come to realize, that there is definitely more to this nuptial knot than merely that of a being pronounced husband and wife. A companion for life, no matter what; a shoulder to lean on, when all else let go; a hand to grasp, when I need the reassurance that am not alone; a buddy to share my every smile; a best friend to wipe away my soulful tears; a pal I can fight with and then forgive in no time; a confidant to bury all my secrets; a sweetheart to be pampered; a tutor, who teaches me things I never knew even existed; a fellow dreamer, with whom I dream up and bring to life our future together; a very special person to care for, shower all my love on and feel really lucky to be able to spend each day of my life with… All rolled up into one is to me, my life partner!

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage." Author ~ Martin Luther

It really amazes me how someone, whose existence I was oblivious to until just over a year back, could all of a sudden mean the whole world to me since the moment he came into my life magically, sweeping me right off my feet. And it amazes me further of how the two of us magnetically connected to each other as if to illustrate the clichéd saying ‘Made for each other!’ On a practical note, I love to relate ourselves to this cute quote I picked up from our favorite sitcom a few weeks back "We are not too good to be true, we are good enough!"

The courtship days were like living through a dream. And ever since I set my foot onto the threshold of marital land, life has only been lovelier (…my life has always been lovely; this just takes it to the next level!). Yes, I have been told several times that it is but natural for any relationship to seem all glossy and rosey in its infancy stage and some even say the shine may wither of with time and monotony. Blaming fading colors in relationships on destiny is but an easy escape route for many. However, I have always been a believer that the paintbrush is in our hands and the choice of the colors we want to fill in the canvas of life, is entirely ours. As an enthusiastic amateur artist, I learn of new colors almost every day and willingly blend them into my canvas. With each passing day the glitter in it, only increases making me look forward to the days to come, with the same excitement as I have today.

Splashes of some new-found colors I have added to my palette:

Live, love, share… life!

Life is the best gift you can ever get, live it up royally. Now that you have someone to share it with, love it even more. Create moments to last for a lifetime. Dream big, go out there and make it reality. Laugh much. Love lots. Be there for each other. And remember, when shared, happiness doubles, sadness halves and memories multiply!

You, me and we!

Being a couple means you are not single anymore! Very obvious, isn’t it?! Yes, obvious in the terms of living together and going by daily routine as a couple. But, making conscious efforts in taking time out of everyday madness for those special moments, I would like to call ‘we-time’ is essential. Learning to like what each other likes, appreciating differences in choices and opinions, venturing out to try new things are the essence of the ‘we-time’ moments.

At the same time, amidst the warmth of togetherness, giving each other some ‘alone-time’ and private space is much needed to balance and refuel the ‘we-times’.

Let go of me, Ego!

Well, not always are things going to be in perfect harmony. Clash in interest, thoughts and attitudes may be causes for some petty bitterness at times. On such occasions, all that is required is to swallow your pride and apologize for the uneasiness caused between the two of you, whoever may be the cause of it all, and just moving on. But by letting your ego rule you, simple misunderstandings get blown out of proportions causing damages, you would regret later.

Next time ego strikes, take a moment to think of how precious this person means to you, and if you want to let an invisible futile ruler ruin this sweet relationship, even a little bit. The answer unveils itself. Tell yourself ‘let go off me, ego’ and patch things up with your loved one!

"Apologizing doesn't always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego" Author ~ Unknown

Change the want to change!

It is human instinct to want to change something to their liking. And sometime so, without giving a try at understanding why things are the way they are. The same is the case when it comes to their relationships also. People are always ready to jump in and give their advice (even if unasked for..!) in order to ‘change’ somebody. But the reverse is not always welcome, they feel interfered with. ‘I am the way I am, I cannot change!’ So, how does this biased approach help? It doesn’t! Hence, instead of wanting to change an aspect of your loved one, try to understand things from their point of view. It takes patience, maturity and understanding, but eventually you will learn to accept, respect and like the way things are!

"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" Author ~ Jason Jordan

Talk, talk and talk some more

Talking in person is by far the most effective means of communication. Keeping that channel of communication clear and open is vital to keep a relationship healthy and strong. A lingering thought worrying you? Talk it out, share it. A painful moment, you cannot handle? Confide, cry it out. A misunderstanding hurting you? Ask it aloud, clarify it. Just as with cheerful chats, even for those more difficult ones to clear out difference in opinions, a simple open conversation can do unbelievable wonders. Choked emotions are like volcanoes waiting to erupt. Calm yourself, gather your thoughts and sit down for a simple heart-to-heart talk.

The pure feeling of absolute openness between beloveds, is something to be experienced, cannot be explained.

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." Author ~ Barnett R. Brickner

Feel it. Express it. Mean it!

How often do you let your loved one know, he/she is truly loved?! When was the last time you did so? You may point out, ‘Oh come on, what is the formality, she/he knows I love her, there is no need to say in words!’ Well, there is. Dear ones aren't to be taken for granted. 'Expressing' does not always need to be in words. Speaking your heart out (…even the very obvious), simple acts of love, warm words of gratitude, heartfelt appreciation is all it takes!

Don’t shy away from expressing yourself. Let it come from the very bottom of your heart! When you truly feel lucky to have somebody in your life, just let them know and make their day!

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." Author ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Daddy is a Girl's Best Friend!

Way before the concept of ‘Hero’ even came to my comprehension; I had already involuntarily created an imaginary image of one in my tiny head and had in fact found a person who befitted the title, in my small world as a young child. From as far back as my memory takes me, I remember observing and admiring everything about him, trying to ape some of his mannerisms that I secretly fancied and even playing ‘let’s-pretend’ by myself pretending to be him! The growing-up years only witnessed this admiration to raise many folds and as the bonding between the two of us thickened, the perceived Hero doubled up as a Best Friend of sorts. Yes, as is the case with most daughters, I was Daddy’s little girl whose friend, philosopher, guide and much more all rolled up into one was her Father.

Dad ensured that my upbringing was never monotonous; it was always laced with an element of fun. Routine chores were made more appealing as he always found time to share a joke and get us crackling with laughter. Topics were endless, when the two of us got together to talk. The child in him would crop up every so often and team up as my partner-in-crime on several occasions against poor, non-suspecting Mum!

Irrespective of the scale of the problem that I was faced with, right from those petty childish complaints, friendship issues that bothered me, peer pressure that I could not overcome by myself, school/college farewell doldrums, career choice confusions, high tension work tasks that I was challenged with at office, to the process of deciding my life partner… I knew just whom to go to. Those patient ears were always there for me, any hour of the day. His words of advice comforted me, like no one else’s. Additional to tender parental care, the moral support as a friend that he offered, eased my journey through childhood and adolescence into adulthood. 

There have been very many occasions when Mum has spent sleepless nights nursing me through some ailments that have troubled me. But the memory that is most vivid in my mind goes back to the time when I was just three or four, when my Dad forgoing his sleep, stayed up all night cradling in his arms, a wailing me tormented by a bout of ear infection. Sitting by the balcony through the night, he told me stories of the stars as I eventually drifted into sleep in his comforting embrace.

I recollect not one, but several instances when Mum would relentlessly spend the whole day devoting a lot of energy and emotions trying to make a point to me, enlightening me of the rights and wrongs. In return, I would either, counter her views or wouldn't pay much heed to it, blame it on the inherent feeling that ‘Mothers always give boring lectures!!’ But when Dad comes along and in just a few words, conveys the same point to me, in his own way, all of a sudden as if by the swish of a magic wand, everything seems to make perfect sense and I fall in line and agree to what I am being told!

Even to this day, apart from the routine parents-daughter conversations, I look forward to those entertaining Dad-and-Me times when we fill in each other with anecdotes, giggles, gossips, and advise and just about anything and everything happening in our respective lives. 

This favoritism towards Dad cannot be termed partiality. Since, it is not a comparison or favoring of one parent over the other. There is something more special and beautiful to a father-daughter relationship than just that of a parent-child. It is this very aspect that comes to the fore and precedes everything else, all those times whenever Dads are given their preferential treatment by their little daughters. He is more than a parent; Daddy is a girl’s best friend!!

This one is for you, Mum!

How many of us recollect those numerous instances from our childhood, of making discontent faces at the slightly brackish alu sabzi, the mildly stiff chapathis, the non-crispy dosas, the squelchy upma, and many more such wholesome, but according to us not-so-delectable eats that Mum used to dutifully cook up for us?

Back then, little did details such as the effort, time and devotion that went into the preparation process interest us. Such particulars conveniently did not fit in our range of curiosity. Cooking was just a Mum-thing and food was always ready and set on the table for us to devour, whenever we felt the first pangs of hunger strike our tummies. What really did mater to us was the yummy-factor! 

On several occasions, no sooner than just one mouthful later, we were prompt to voice our disgruntlement loud and clear. ‘Yuck! I don’t like it’, ‘Mommy, why is it so sticky?’, ‘How many times to tell you, I like my dosas crisp?!’, ‘Oh God, that same curry again!’, ‘I am bored of Idlis!’ 

The times she could feasibly oblige, she would with a quick replacement dish. While on other occasions, she would just silently take in the comments and inwardly hope to satisfy our taste-buds next time. What went unnoticed by us young critics… was Mum’s disappointment. Did we ever realize, by just one such sweeping statement made by us, we have hastily demeaned her painstaking effort of feeding her family regularly on time, not only a nutritious but also a delectable meal amidst all the various other chores that she does to run a home? Alright, the minor compromise she has made (…if at all!) was on the taste, visual appeal and probably the variety of the dish. Was there ever an occurrence when the family faced a no-food situation, or a meal when food did not suffice or a day when Mum casually said ‘I am too tired to cook, you do it today!’?? Well, the answer is apparent.

Let’s analyze some more of Mum’s specializations. Amidst the early morning madness, as we hurriedly get ready for school/college/office didn’t we always find our uniforms/favorite clothes freshly washed and ironed in our cupboards ready for us? And if anything was out of place, the one stop shop for seeking the missing items was Mum! She magically knew where each one’s belonging was shoved away and where what could be found. To add on, home always looked sparkling clean, dishes were never clogged in the sink, supplies were always stocked up in the storeroom, and she catered to our whims and fancies.

We did begin to realize and admire her multitasking abilities as we grew older, but how often have we appreciated and thanked her for the same? It’s only when we step into someone’s shoes do we truly admire them for what they are. I am not a Mum yet, but being an amateur homemaker for the past 7 months and having my own home and family to take care of, life has taught me plenty. The most important lesson being admiration for my Mum! 

All those times when I fight back some ailment and cook up a meal to feed my own family, when all I wish to do is tuck into bed and sleep; those times when I laboriously clear the dishes; those time when I do the laundry and fold and stack away the dried clothes into their allotted slots; those times when I run out of ideas to create a new dish and end up opting for the easiest and the most frequented dish. These are but a few instances of the many, when I truly appreciate every little thing that you have done for us and realize how much I do admire you, Mum!