Anguish of a martyr’s widow

‘Time is the best healer’, they consoled.
Reality cannot be harsher.
As the days crawl by,
My wounds only get deeper.
Grief gnawing at my ruptured heart,
Haunt me with the horror of that dire day.
Absolute emptiness, I feel inside,
My soul refuses to come to terms.
Our beautifully painted future,
Has faded away to black
All I have left of you,
Is our precious little boy
Often he innocently ponders
‘Where has daddy gone?’
What remains of my heart melts with woe,
His is another crushed life, as mine.
Lost the meaning of my existence,
My will to live has died.
I feel no pain anymore,
Only an agonizing numbness instead
Exhausted all my tears,
I have not anymore left to cry

My body aches to its core,
As it yearns for your soothing embrace
Pricks from shattered bit of my life,
Eclipses the pride I feel of your gallantry.
I know not if I ever will find solace,
As I trod on alone, into uncertainty.

Moonlight smiles through the darkness

It is sometime on the darkest night that the moon seems its beautiful best. While the endless darkness of the night sets the perfect stage for the magical dance of the moonlight, the pearly magnificence of the moon simply amplifies. I wonder how this natural aura of the moon, up there on most nights for us to behold, goes unnoticed many a times. But on those completely dark moments, its presence is comforting and we marvel at its beauty. 

Not too long ago, I was going through a thorny phase in terms of job hunt and finding back my self-confidence, which I was beginning to feel, was slipping away into the uncertainty of the situation. Just prior to my wedding a year back, I had relieved myself from my past career of half a decade, to completely embrace with both hands, a lovely new episode in my life. And cherish I did (...and still am...), every second of it! It was a choice I had made with absolutely no regret. 

A few months into my blissful wedded life, my mind was all set to make a comeback on the professional front. It was my choice again that I did not want to get back to what I was doing previously but wanted an occupation that would not only be more creative but will also give me more personal time. By this decision, I wasn’t making things easy for me, and little was I prepared for the long laborious journey ahead! 

Like a new kid on the block, I ventured into the big corporate world to try my luck. The number of doors I knocked at, I lost count of. Some chose to conveniently ignore me, a few outright rejected my profile for mismatch, while the others loved to keep me in suspense by merely sounding positive, but not really meaning though. 

Several disheartening attempts later, one offer sounded promising. I had shone through the initial rounds and was nail-bitingly waiting for the final call. And then it happened. I was told though my performance was outstanding they suddenly decided to go slow on recruiting. In short, I didn’t get the job. As simple as it sounded, it was like deflating my ballooned up hopes! 

That night when my husband, who travelled along with me through this rickety ride, returned home from work, I divulged my rejection story. Knowing how much it means to me he sympathized all he could. Like a little dismayed abandoned child, I gushed out in frustration… ‘Nobody wants me!’ To which my dear husband dint miss a second to reassure me, ‘Aww! I want you!’ Amidst my distress, touched by his earnest attempt to comfort me, I couldn’t hold back my heartfelt smile as I hugged him. Nothing else in the world mattered to me!

The gloomy darkness that I was feeling earlier that night faded away, as the warmth of the moonlight flooded in, kissing it good bye.

365 days of ‘We’!

Very often I catch myself pondering over and musing about my beautiful life, smiling fondly about the treasured memories I would love to relive and grimacing upon the not-so-pleasant events which I wish I could mend. And, today as I sit myself down and let lose my heart and mind to rewind to do what they best love doing, a major milestone (…which I prefer terming as ‘smilestone’ :) …) in my life pops up and comes to the fore. Day-365 of our adven-joyous journey together as man and wife, is just round the corner! Oh my, even as I type this, my heart blossoms with joy and am overwhelmed with loads of memories flooding in and warmth oozing from deep inside! Yes, it truly is an ecstatic feeling of celebrating a year of togetherness with my very own special someone!

Over this one year, I have come to realize, that there is definitely more to this nuptial knot than merely that of a being pronounced husband and wife. A companion for life, no matter what; a shoulder to lean on, when all else let go; a hand to grasp, when I need the reassurance that am not alone; a buddy to share my every smile; a best friend to wipe away my soulful tears; a pal I can fight with and then forgive in no time; a confidant to bury all my secrets; a sweetheart to be pampered; a tutor, who teaches me things I never knew even existed; a fellow dreamer, with whom I dream up and bring to life our future together; a very special person to care for, shower all my love on and feel really lucky to be able to spend each day of my life with… All rolled up into one is to me, my life partner!

"There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage." Author ~ Martin Luther

It really amazes me how someone, whose existence I was oblivious to until just over a year back, could all of a sudden mean the whole world to me since the moment he came into my life magically, sweeping me right off my feet. And it amazes me further of how the two of us magnetically connected to each other as if to illustrate the clichéd saying ‘Made for each other!’ On a practical note, I love to relate ourselves to this cute quote I picked up from our favorite sitcom a few weeks back "We are not too good to be true, we are good enough!"

The courtship days were like living through a dream. And ever since I set my foot onto the threshold of marital land, life has only been lovelier (…my life has always been lovely; this just takes it to the next level!). Yes, I have been told several times that it is but natural for any relationship to seem all glossy and rosey in its infancy stage and some even say the shine may wither of with time and monotony. Blaming fading colors in relationships on destiny is but an easy escape route for many. However, I have always been a believer that the paintbrush is in our hands and the choice of the colors we want to fill in the canvas of life, is entirely ours. As an enthusiastic amateur artist, I learn of new colors almost every day and willingly blend them into my canvas. With each passing day the glitter in it, only increases making me look forward to the days to come, with the same excitement as I have today.

Splashes of some new-found colors I have added to my palette:

Live, love, share… life!

Life is the best gift you can ever get, live it up royally. Now that you have someone to share it with, love it even more. Create moments to last for a lifetime. Dream big, go out there and make it reality. Laugh much. Love lots. Be there for each other. And remember, when shared, happiness doubles, sadness halves and memories multiply!

You, me and we!

Being a couple means you are not single anymore! Very obvious, isn’t it?! Yes, obvious in the terms of living together and going by daily routine as a couple. But, making conscious efforts in taking time out of everyday madness for those special moments, I would like to call ‘we-time’ is essential. Learning to like what each other likes, appreciating differences in choices and opinions, venturing out to try new things are the essence of the ‘we-time’ moments.

At the same time, amidst the warmth of togetherness, giving each other some ‘alone-time’ and private space is much needed to balance and refuel the ‘we-times’.

Let go of me, Ego!

Well, not always are things going to be in perfect harmony. Clash in interest, thoughts and attitudes may be causes for some petty bitterness at times. On such occasions, all that is required is to swallow your pride and apologize for the uneasiness caused between the two of you, whoever may be the cause of it all, and just moving on. But by letting your ego rule you, simple misunderstandings get blown out of proportions causing damages, you would regret later.

Next time ego strikes, take a moment to think of how precious this person means to you, and if you want to let an invisible futile ruler ruin this sweet relationship, even a little bit. The answer unveils itself. Tell yourself ‘let go off me, ego’ and patch things up with your loved one!

"Apologizing doesn't always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego" Author ~ Unknown

Change the want to change!

It is human instinct to want to change something to their liking. And sometime so, without giving a try at understanding why things are the way they are. The same is the case when it comes to their relationships also. People are always ready to jump in and give their advice (even if unasked for..!) in order to ‘change’ somebody. But the reverse is not always welcome, they feel interfered with. ‘I am the way I am, I cannot change!’ So, how does this biased approach help? It doesn’t! Hence, instead of wanting to change an aspect of your loved one, try to understand things from their point of view. It takes patience, maturity and understanding, but eventually you will learn to accept, respect and like the way things are!

"True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly" Author ~ Jason Jordan

Talk, talk and talk some more

Talking in person is by far the most effective means of communication. Keeping that channel of communication clear and open is vital to keep a relationship healthy and strong. A lingering thought worrying you? Talk it out, share it. A painful moment, you cannot handle? Confide, cry it out. A misunderstanding hurting you? Ask it aloud, clarify it. Just as with cheerful chats, even for those more difficult ones to clear out difference in opinions, a simple open conversation can do unbelievable wonders. Choked emotions are like volcanoes waiting to erupt. Calm yourself, gather your thoughts and sit down for a simple heart-to-heart talk.

The pure feeling of absolute openness between beloveds, is something to be experienced, cannot be explained.

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate." Author ~ Barnett R. Brickner

Feel it. Express it. Mean it!

How often do you let your loved one know, he/she is truly loved?! When was the last time you did so? You may point out, ‘Oh come on, what is the formality, she/he knows I love her, there is no need to say in words!’ Well, there is. Dear ones aren't to be taken for granted. 'Expressing' does not always need to be in words. Speaking your heart out (…even the very obvious), simple acts of love, warm words of gratitude, heartfelt appreciation is all it takes!

Don’t shy away from expressing yourself. Let it come from the very bottom of your heart! When you truly feel lucky to have somebody in your life, just let them know and make their day!

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." Author ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Daddy is a Girl's Best Friend!

Way before the concept of ‘Hero’ even came to my comprehension; I had already involuntarily created an imaginary image of one in my tiny head and had in fact found a person who befitted the title, in my small world as a young child. From as far back as my memory takes me, I remember observing and admiring everything about him, trying to ape some of his mannerisms that I secretly fancied and even playing ‘let’s-pretend’ by myself pretending to be him! The growing-up years only witnessed this admiration to raise many folds and as the bonding between the two of us thickened, the perceived Hero doubled up as a Best Friend of sorts. Yes, as is the case with most daughters, I was Daddy’s little girl whose friend, philosopher, guide and much more all rolled up into one was her Father.

Dad ensured that my upbringing was never monotonous; it was always laced with an element of fun. Routine chores were made more appealing as he always found time to share a joke and get us crackling with laughter. Topics were endless, when the two of us got together to talk. The child in him would crop up every so often and team up as my partner-in-crime on several occasions against poor, non-suspecting Mum!

Irrespective of the scale of the problem that I was faced with, right from those petty childish complaints, friendship issues that bothered me, peer pressure that I could not overcome by myself, school/college farewell doldrums, career choice confusions, high tension work tasks that I was challenged with at office, to the process of deciding my life partner… I knew just whom to go to. Those patient ears were always there for me, any hour of the day. His words of advice comforted me, like no one else’s. Additional to tender parental care, the moral support as a friend that he offered, eased my journey through childhood and adolescence into adulthood. 

There have been very many occasions when Mum has spent sleepless nights nursing me through some ailments that have troubled me. But the memory that is most vivid in my mind goes back to the time when I was just three or four, when my Dad forgoing his sleep, stayed up all night cradling in his arms, a wailing me tormented by a bout of ear infection. Sitting by the balcony through the night, he told me stories of the stars as I eventually drifted into sleep in his comforting embrace.

I recollect not one, but several instances when Mum would relentlessly spend the whole day devoting a lot of energy and emotions trying to make a point to me, enlightening me of the rights and wrongs. In return, I would either, counter her views or wouldn't pay much heed to it, blame it on the inherent feeling that ‘Mothers always give boring lectures!!’ But when Dad comes along and in just a few words, conveys the same point to me, in his own way, all of a sudden as if by the swish of a magic wand, everything seems to make perfect sense and I fall in line and agree to what I am being told!

Even to this day, apart from the routine parents-daughter conversations, I look forward to those entertaining Dad-and-Me times when we fill in each other with anecdotes, giggles, gossips, and advise and just about anything and everything happening in our respective lives. 

This favoritism towards Dad cannot be termed partiality. Since, it is not a comparison or favoring of one parent over the other. There is something more special and beautiful to a father-daughter relationship than just that of a parent-child. It is this very aspect that comes to the fore and precedes everything else, all those times whenever Dads are given their preferential treatment by their little daughters. He is more than a parent; Daddy is a girl’s best friend!!

This one is for you, Mum!

How many of us recollect those numerous instances from our childhood, of making discontent faces at the slightly brackish alu sabzi, the mildly stiff chapathis, the non-crispy dosas, the squelchy upma, and many more such wholesome, but according to us not-so-delectable eats that Mum used to dutifully cook up for us?

Back then, little did details such as the effort, time and devotion that went into the preparation process interest us. Such particulars conveniently did not fit in our range of curiosity. Cooking was just a Mum-thing and food was always ready and set on the table for us to devour, whenever we felt the first pangs of hunger strike our tummies. What really did mater to us was the yummy-factor! 

On several occasions, no sooner than just one mouthful later, we were prompt to voice our disgruntlement loud and clear. ‘Yuck! I don’t like it’, ‘Mommy, why is it so sticky?’, ‘How many times to tell you, I like my dosas crisp?!’, ‘Oh God, that same curry again!’, ‘I am bored of Idlis!’ 

The times she could feasibly oblige, she would with a quick replacement dish. While on other occasions, she would just silently take in the comments and inwardly hope to satisfy our taste-buds next time. What went unnoticed by us young critics… was Mum’s disappointment. Did we ever realize, by just one such sweeping statement made by us, we have hastily demeaned her painstaking effort of feeding her family regularly on time, not only a nutritious but also a delectable meal amidst all the various other chores that she does to run a home? Alright, the minor compromise she has made (…if at all!) was on the taste, visual appeal and probably the variety of the dish. Was there ever an occurrence when the family faced a no-food situation, or a meal when food did not suffice or a day when Mum casually said ‘I am too tired to cook, you do it today!’?? Well, the answer is apparent.

Let’s analyze some more of Mum’s specializations. Amidst the early morning madness, as we hurriedly get ready for school/college/office didn’t we always find our uniforms/favorite clothes freshly washed and ironed in our cupboards ready for us? And if anything was out of place, the one stop shop for seeking the missing items was Mum! She magically knew where each one’s belonging was shoved away and where what could be found. To add on, home always looked sparkling clean, dishes were never clogged in the sink, supplies were always stocked up in the storeroom, and she catered to our whims and fancies.

We did begin to realize and admire her multitasking abilities as we grew older, but how often have we appreciated and thanked her for the same? It’s only when we step into someone’s shoes do we truly admire them for what they are. I am not a Mum yet, but being an amateur homemaker for the past 7 months and having my own home and family to take care of, life has taught me plenty. The most important lesson being admiration for my Mum! 

All those times when I fight back some ailment and cook up a meal to feed my own family, when all I wish to do is tuck into bed and sleep; those times when I laboriously clear the dishes; those time when I do the laundry and fold and stack away the dried clothes into their allotted slots; those times when I run out of ideas to create a new dish and end up opting for the easiest and the most frequented dish. These are but a few instances of the many, when I truly appreciate every little thing that you have done for us and realize how much I do admire you, Mum!

Cupid's Whisper!

When life feels,
...like a dream come true…
When simple moments,
…translate into happy cues…
When each day turns prettier,
…than the one, just passed…
When everything feels perfect,
…and petty minuses blur away afar…
When sweeter tomorrows are sculptured,
…in those mesmerized eyes…
When a smile decorates your lips,
…more often than you realize...
When the sweetness of romantic songs,
…mirror the celebrations of within…
When you catch yourself,
…merrily dancing to life’s rhythm…
When you smell the rain,
…and so want to cuddle tight…
When, by the softness of a sunset,
…a longing inside you, is set alight…
When your spirits get ignited,
…just by a candle light…
When the stars seems to sing to you,
…on a moonlit night…
When knowing, you mean the world to someone,
…makes your heart flutter in delight…
When having one to fondly call your own,
…warms your heart, making it glow bright…
When mutual admiration,
…adds flavour to life…
When the fragrance of togetherness,
…blinds the differences out of sight…
When you wish time freezes,
…as you drown in the embrace…
When the wait feels eternal while apart,
…and you wrestle with patience…

Well, I guess these are magical clues,
Sprinkling down, from up above…
Can you hear Cupid’s whisper?
He says… ‘You are in love!'

A day in a wife's life!

After a couple of minutes of groggily tossing in bed, she decides it was time to drive away those last few sleep bugs out of her head and get started with a brand new day!

She turns over and looks beside her and finds that her husband had already woken up and was having a shower! Her eye brows shoot up… ‘Oops… am late!!’ she thought to herself as she quickly shoves away the comforter and runs her hand thru her hair and gathers them into a high pony tail and jumps out of bed. At the same pace, she swiftly wraps herself in a morning robe, brushes her teeth, splashes cool water onto her face and gently wipes dry. After a movie which ran past midnight, the previous night, waking up early wasn't easy! Yes, now she is all set to face another beautiful day!

She walks into the kitchen, where the neatly arranged see-through boxes of provisions and eats welcome her. Browsing through them, she plans on the breakfast menu. ‘Hmmm… should I go for Samiya Upma today as well?’ she wonders holding a jar of vermicelli in her hand. By now, she had learnt her husband’s favorites and this topped the list. Also, considering the time availability and the convenience factor, breakfast usually had limited variation. So without further thought into it, she settles for Samiya Upma. 

In a while, he comes out of the shower and goes to the kitchen to check on his wifey… who, in the meanwhile is done with the upma, which she serves into 2 bowls, and tops it with some crunchy savory snack. The two of them settle down in front of the TV and enjoy their breakfast together.

Another half hour and a cup of hot filter coffee later, it is time for him to get to work. After a good-bye hug, a smile and the usual reminder to come home soon... she sees him off, shuts the door and then looking around the house, wonders… ‘Now… what!?’

Well, it was only 10:30 and she had an hour before she went about preparing lunch. When one is not bound by any set routines to follow every day, one gets to chalk out his own personalized itinerary each day. Which, at times is great… but on the other hand, it could get difficult to keep self occupied the entire day, without letting boredom strike in. 

She does the dishes in about ten minutes and then she walks up to her laptop and decides that it was chat-up time with her best friend, a fellow young home-maker residing in the other end of the country. The two connected on a daily basis between their household chores to exchange notes on house-wifely anecdotes, recipes, menu ideas, new movies, old friends, marriage bliss and basically about everything under the roof! They were each other’s boredom busters as well.

As she chats with her friend, she suddenly jumps out of the chair and walks to the laundry bag… She remembers she has to put some clothes for washing. She gathers the soiled linen and dumps them into the washing machine. Keys in the specifications, ensures the process starts and then resumes her chatting…

“Oh…and guess what… he absolutely loved the Thai Green Curry that I tried out yesterday… :) I liked it too!! Hehe…” she beams as she types to her friend. “What’s the menu there…? Today I plan to make Rava idlis with sambar and chutney… he likes the way I make sambar :)… but hey, I need the recipe for chutney… u r the expert there… .” On and on goes the chat and at the end of 10 mins, she is enlightened with the recipe to make coconut chutney with a hint of coriander flavor. She is happy! After a couple minutes more of girlie chitter-chatter, she bids temporary goodbye to her friend and gives herself a quick bath.

It is around 12. A meticulous person as she is, ahead of cooking, gathers all the ingredients she would need for the new trial recipe that had been planned for the day and carefully strategizes the sequence of operation. She goes that extra measure and takes utmost care to ensure that lunch and dinner always had variety…. As you see, she believes that ‘variety is the spice of life’! With abundance of time on her hand and with immense passion for cooking up something new, she entertains herself by trying out new recipes every so often, for her sweetheart. 

As she gives the final touch to the batter for rava Idlies, she makes her routine call to her mom, back home. Amidst the usual mommy-daughter chatter, she arranges the batter onto the idly plates with expertise and places them in the cooker that is kept on one stove, while the alluring aroma arising from the wok of steaming sambar kept on the other stove, lingers in the entire house. It takes a few whizzes of the mixer, for her to get the chutney in shape!

Three quarter of an hour later… the delectable meal is ready and is neatly arranged on the table, complete with fine garnishing to treat the eyes. She smiles with satisfaction and gets herself to clear the extra vessels that were used in the process of cooking.

Pleased with things, she permits herself to take a little break… just then… “Beep-Beep-Beep” the washing machine cries for attention! The clothes are washed and are ready to be dried… there goes her break! She collects the clothes from the washer and orderly lays them for drying in the balcony.

It’s nearly half past 1 now, and he is expected anytime. Well, she has a few minutes to kill… which she ends up spending reconnecting with her friend… who too is in the ‘lunch-ready-and-waiting-for-honey’ status! The two update each other on the lunch preparations and “wow!” at each other’s recipes. In just a few minutes, the front door is heard being unlocked and he is home!

“Hey, he is home… will catch u after lunch!” she tells her friend and hurries to greet him with a warm welcome smile. He smiles back and plants a kiss on her forehead… he looks forward for this lunch break, to be home with her for a while, leaving behind work tension back in office. The unavoidable mesmerizing aroma tingles his nostrils and he heads straight to the table to check out what feast awaits him. “Yummmmy!” he exclaims as he quickly washes up and settles down to devour the goodies. No words can fully express that feeling of joy and contentment she feels as she adoringly gazes at him relish the dishes, which were so lovingly prepared.

After the lip smacking lunch, she clears the table real fast to settle down next to him to watch TV for a while. In an hour he heads back and she is again back to the question… “Hmmm… now… what?!”

A nap was an option, but today she wasn’t feeling sleepy… she had plans to do some grocery shopping. She had a list made out which she tears out from the notebook, picks up her handbag and she rides her way to the super market. She spends an hour and a half there fetching every item she has mentioned in her list, making sure she got the best deal available. On her way back home, fresh carrots in a roadside veggie stall catch her attention… she halts! “Carrots!!!” she mentally exclaims. He loved Carrot Halwa and she had just discussed the recipe with her friend the previous day… yes, she would try her hand at the delicacy today!

Pleased with her shopping, she reaches home and relaxes a bit and gets on call with her dad for a fun chat. In a while, unpacks her shopping bags and puts away all the items in order.

Subsequently she recollects the clothes drying in the balcony, which by now would be ready to be folded, sorted and kept away in cupboards. Having done that, she then logs in to chat-up with her friend once again! They gossip on for about an hour, before our wifey decides to start her big project of making ‘Carrot Halwa’ for her sweetheart.

Putting her heart and soul into it, she works step by step on the recipe. A quick call is made to her mommy for some expert advice at a point in the process, where our young chef is confused about certain proportions… and the advice that follows is carefully applied. Delighted the way the sweet dish is taking shape, she hums along with her favorite music that is playing out loud! In an hour the yummy halwa is ready and is decorated with thin slices of almonds.

She walks to the terrace for a break and witnesses the sunset. She misses him. Misses him badly. “Hmmmm…” she sighs as she admires the beautiful setting alone and spends a few minutes lost in the world of admiration. She settles down on her comp for about half hour of blogging, her favorite hobby.

It was 7 and she heads back to the kitchen to make dinner. Gobi Parathas this time! The menu was decided way back in the super market and the raw materials were all gathered for the process to begin. In an hour’s time, she has completed all the tasks at hand and is ready for her hunny. She has laid out the table for two, with placemats, plates and serving bowls and… the tasty goodies for the night. And she waits for him. An hour goes by and then the lovely sound of the door unlocking is heard. This is like music to her ears and she immediately gets up to greet him. “I missed you today!” she confesses to him as she drowns in his hug. He missed her too and was so glad to be home-sweet-home at the end of yet another hectic day at work, with his loving wife!

She warms the parathas and they sit down for meal. “What did you do today?” he enquires and to that she happily jabbers on and fills him in about what her mommy said, the wise cracks her dad made, the secret joke she shared with her friend, how the super market billing personnel missed out accounting for a deal and tried to over-charge her, how lovely the sunset was…… he patiently listens and participates in the animated conversations at intervals.

After dinner she surprises him with the Carrot Halwa which makes him grin from ear to ear! Oh, she wouldn’t trade such moments for anything else in the world. She loved these moments with him. In fact, she loved every moment with him.

It has been almost 4 months now, since she quit her IT job with the plan of giving herself a break and then eventually getting into a career lesser hectic, a decision she felt best in order to enjoy and do justice to the lovely new role she was getting into… that of a wife! Nearly 3 months back, she tied the knot and ever since has been making the most of every single moment of being a full time home maker, by being a doting wife to her charming husband. He means the world to her, and she finds no bigger joy than keeping him happy and pleased. Today as she enjoys the joys of wedded life, by catering to every little need of her husband and bringing that special smile to his face after he devours the scrumptious meals that she so devotedly prepares, she feels it’s the best decision she has ever made!

They indulge themselves with the delicious carrot halwa… as they catch up on some amusing shows on television together. At the end of the day, they retire to bed. As she lay there beside the man of her dreams… she thanks god for making her life so beautiful. She snuggles closer to him and he cuddles her and whispers "I love you!"… “Love you too” she says… who was glad she had him, and felt lucky to be his wife!